I remember when the wolf parachuted out of the belly of a B-17, behind enemy lines. He carried a box of chocolate bars and a tube of honey. The honey for energy. The chocolate for bribing little boys. Ah. I know what you’re thinking. No. Wait. I don’t. But I do know that with the little-boy-thing it makes everyone nervous. He fell from the sky with his box of chocolate. Night time. Low clouds that were breaking so you could see patches of stars. Geese. Cranes flying in V’s high above. And the wolf said, “How can I help you? Would would you like us to do?”
I said, “Well, I would appreciate it if you would answer a few questions.” The wolf said, “Yes. Of course. Be happy to.” So I said, “O.k., well, let’s just start off with the big one. Is it true that you are the devil? The devil himself, walking on the earth?” The wolf sighed. Took a big drag on the cigarette, let it drop to the ground, quietly twisted it into the dirt with his paw. The wolf said, “No. Next question.” I said, “No offense, but, you know, some of these … I just gotta ask. For my readers.” The wolf didn’t say anything, shook his tail, shrugged, “Yes. Right. Of course. What else?”
“Well, do you have super-human strength?”
“Mostly we have wolf-strength. Normal wolf-strength.”
“Can you see through plates of steel?”
“No.”
“Can you sense the approach of distant storms?”
“Maybe.”
“Do you love your puppies?” With this question the wolf visibly brightened. “Yes. Definitely.” “So you would consider yourself a family man?” “Absolutely. Matter of fact, if there was a defining, uh, you know phrase or name – whatever you wanna call it – it would be ‘family man.’ Probably be more accurate for it to be ‘family wolf.’” He laughed. I laughed. It was funny.
“Do you shit where you eat?”
“Well, see, interesting question. Now let’s take pissing, you know, before we get to shitting. With pissing there’s more to pissing for a wolf than for you guys. Actually, beg pardon, but maybe you humans haven’t really copped to the fact that pissing is kind of a big deal for you too. But anything going on in your – christ, I’ll do it for you – your ‘nether regions’ is all spooky. You got this taboo on it. For us? Well, different story I guess. It’s just part of living. No shame involved. Pissing is a form of speech for us. It’s like a whisper that lingers. You can tell what a piss mark says for days. If the weather’s right, might last for weeks.”
I remember when the wolf came to the front door asking for a cup of sugar. I said, “I had no idea that you were a baker.” And the wolf said, “Oh, I’ve been baking for years. Wolf tarts. Wolf pies mostly. We especially like meat pies.” And I said, “I bet you do.” The wolf said “Yes. Steak and kidney pie. Shepherd’s pie. Just plain kidney pie. Heart pie. Liver pie. Lung pie. Leg muscle pie. Belly pie. Neck pie. Eyeball pie. These are just a few of our favorites. My husband is particularly fond of pain au chocolate. He could eat 30 of these at one sitting.” I said, “Would you like to come in while I get your sugar?” The wolf said, “No thank you. I prefer it outside.” I said, “I bet you do, being a wolf and all.” And the wolf said, “There are things about being a wolf that you might not expect. For instance, we do not have the power to change into human beings when the moon is not full. We do not have the power of flight. We can not disappear into thin air, although we are highly skilled in the woods, so it might seem like we disappear. Technically speaking, we do not disappear.” And I said, “I bet you do. Let me get the sugar.”
